Why Do Narcissists Come Back?

Narcissists have a way of reappearing in your life, often when you least expect it. After enduring the pain and chaos of narcissistic abuse, it’s natural to ask yourself, “Why do they come back?” Whether it’s a sudden phone call, an unexpected visit, or a chance encounter at the grocery store, the narcissist’s return can be bewildering, especially when they seemed so eager to move on with someone else. This blog explores the reasons behind the narcissist’s return and what it means for those trying to heal.

The Hoover Maneuver: Sucking You Back In

When a narcissist reappears in your life, it’s known as the Hoover maneuver—named after the vacuum cleaner because its purpose is to suck you back in. However, this isn’t just about rekindling a relationship. The Hoover maneuver can manifest in various ways, from dragging you into an argument to making you think about them again. Even if they discarded you cruelly, their return isn’t about caring for you; it’s about maintaining control. For narcissists, your attention is like oxygen—they can’t stand the thought of you moving on and healing.

Regaining Control and Narcissistic Supply

The narcissist’s return isn’t about rekindling lost love; it’s about reclaiming control. Narcissists view everyone as objects, useful only when they serve a purpose. Once you’re no longer of use, you’re discarded. However, this discard is never permanent. The narcissist fears running out of narcissistic supply, so they return to old sources, including you. This cycle isn’t limited to romantic partners; it extends to anyone in their life. Even if they appear blissfully happy with a new partner, they might still come back to you when their new supply grows stale.

The Confusion of Hoovering

For victims of narcissistic abuse, the narcissist’s return can be confusing and devastating. You may have been doing well, healing, and moving on, only for them to reappear out of nowhere, acting as if nothing happened. This confusion is intentional. Narcissists thrive on creating chaos and uncertainty, reactivating the trauma bond that once held you captive. They know exactly how to push your buttons because they’ve spent so much time conditioning you. It’s not just about regaining control—it’s about enjoying the process of tearing you down when you start to heal.

Triangulation and Creating Chaos

Hoovering isn’t just about pulling you back in; it’s also about triangulation—creating confusion and insecurity in their new partner. When the narcissist suddenly starts being nice to you or talking about you positively, it leaves their new partner anxious and questioning. This drama and chaos are exactly what the narcissist needs to feel in control. For them, the new partner is just another victim in a different stage of the cycle. By reactivating the trauma bond with you, the narcissist gets to enjoy the chaos that ensues.

The Unpredictability of Narcissistic Hoovering

Narcissistic hoovering can be both planned and unplanned, making it unpredictable and challenging to deal with. Narcissists might meticulously plan their return, showing up at familiar places or during significant life events when you’re most vulnerable. However, you might also encounter them unexpectedly. These encounters can be just as triggering, reigniting old feelings and the trauma bond. Whether the encounter is planned or not, it’s crucial to remember that you owe the narcissist nothing—not even politeness. Walking away is often the best course of action.

The Power of the Trauma Bond

After encountering a narcissist, many victims feel proud for not getting sucked back in. However, this initial empowerment can be fleeting if the trauma bond—the emotional and psychological hold the narcissist has over you—hasn’t been fully severed. The trauma bond is like an addiction, and even a brief encounter can reignite the old cycle of abuse. This is why it’s essential to block the narcissist on all platforms, leaving no door open for them to reenter your life. Even seeing their name can trigger a flood of memories and emotions.

The Danger of Unblocking

Feeling empowered after resisting a narcissist’s hoovering attempt is natural, but it can lead to a false sense of security. You might think, “I resisted this time, so I don’t need to block them,” or “I’ll just unblock them to see if they’ve tried to reach out.” This is a dangerous path. Once you’ve unblocked them, the cycle can start again, often more intensely than before. Narcissists are master manipulators, and by reintroducing themselves into your life, they can trigger the old coping mechanisms you developed to survive their abuse.

The Importance of Complete Blockage

Blocking a narcissist on your phone is crucial, but it’s not enough. Narcissists are cunning and can find other ways to reach out, such as through social media, mutual friends, or even online marketplaces. It’s essential to block them on all platforms and be mindful of any indirect contact they might attempt. Even if you think you’re over them, remember that the trauma bond can still be triggered by seemingly innocent encounters. If they manage to get back into your head, they can reignite the addictive cycle that kept you trapped for so long.

The Impact of Unexpected Encounters

It’s impossible to predict every encounter with a narcissist. You might run into them on the other side of the country or at a place you’d never expect. These encounters can be jarring, but they don’t mean your healing journey is over. It’s normal to feel triggered and to take a few steps back emotionally. The key is to recognize these feelings, seek support if needed, and get back on track with your healing.

Staying Strong and Moving Forward

The journey to recovery from narcissistic abuse is not linear. There will be setbacks and triggers along the way, but these do not define your progress. If you encounter your abuser unexpectedly, it’s crucial to seek support and remind yourself that these moments are just temporary glitches, not the end of your healing journey.

Remember, you owe the narcissist nothing. Your priority is your well-being and healing. Stay proactive in blocking them from your life, and be prepared for their attempts to reenter your mind. Narcissists are relentless in their pursuit of control, but by staying vigilant and prioritizing your mental health, you can continue to move forward on your journey to healing.

The Trap of the “Let’s Just Be Friends” Line

Another common tactic narcissists use is the “Let’s just be friends” line. They might say, “Let’s be friends for the kids’ sake,” or “I really valued our friendship, even if we weren’t a good couple.” But don’t fall for it. When they suggest being friends, what they really want is your supply without any strings attached. You cannot be friends with someone who has abused you. In that relationship, there was no loyalty, no trust. They betrayed you and discarded you the moment they felt even the slightest criticism.

Vulnerability and Re-Engagement

Narcissists often reach out during times when they know you’re vulnerable, like when you’ve experienced a personal loss. They know exactly what to say to suck you back in. Whether it’s a heartfelt condolence or an offer of friendship, these are just tactics to pull you back into their web. It’s crucial to recognize these attempts for what they are—manipulation and control.

Hoovering to Reignite Conflict

Sometimes, hoovering is about getting you to argue with them. If you’ve been trying to go no contact and maintaining strong boundaries, they might create a drama that you feel compelled to respond to—especially if you share children or work together. This is a ploy to draw you back into their world. By re-engaging, even in anger, you give them the attention they crave.

The Pain of Re-Engagement

If you do get hoovered back, it gets worse every time. The narcissist needs to punish you for trying to live without them, for attempting to heal, or just for not begging them to come back. Every discard after a successful hoover is more painful and traumatic than the last. They thrive on the pain you feel when you realize, against your better judgment, that you went back, knowing deep down you were returning to the same cycle.

The Importance of Blocking and Support

Blocking the narcissist is crucial to your healing. Be proactive so they don’t get the chance to re-engage. And if they do come back into your life, which was out of your control, don’t see those triggering feelings as a failure. They’re normal. Talk to someone about your experience—don’t isolate yourself. Remember, these feelings are a normal part of the healing process, and encountering the narcissist doesn’t mean you’re back to square one.

Embrace the Strength of No Hoover

If you haven’t been hoovered, try to see it as a form of luck. Most people are hoovered back at some stage, so don’t beat yourself up if it happens to you. But now you know their tactics, you can view your experiences as a learning curve. If they haven’t hoovered you, it’s because you’re too strong, and they know it’s not worth the effort. Take this as a sign of your progress.

Final Thoughts: Narcissists Never Change

No matter how much it seems like they’ve changed, a narcissist always reverts back to who they really are once they’ve hoovered you back. Their return is never about love or reconciliation—it’s about control and abuse. Every successful hoover brings more pain, more trauma, and more regret. Stay vigilant, block them from your life, and prioritize your healing journey above all else