The Fear of a Narcissist Treating the Next Person Better

One common concern I hear from my clients is the fear that their narcissistic abuser will treat the next person better. This worry often stems from remembering the idealised version of the narcissist from the beginning of the relationship. Victims may fear that the new person will continue to receive the idealisation they once experienced.

Understanding the Victim’s Perspective

It’s essential to understand this fear from the victim’s perspective. They’ve endured significant trauma and manipulation, leading them to believe that the abuse was their fault. Victims often hold onto the memory of the “nice” person they fell in love with, even if that person no longer exists. This belief can be difficult for outsiders to comprehend, especially if they’ve witnessed the victim’s mistreatment.

The Impact of Conditioning

Narcissistic abuse conditions victims to believe they are responsible for the abuse and that their actions caused the narcissist’s change in behaviour. Over time, victims may come to think that if they weren’t so “crazy,” the abuser wouldn’t have turned on them. This conditioning can make them worry that the narcissist will treat the next person well if that person isn’t “crazy.”

Erosion of Boundaries

For those who have experienced narcissistic abuse, it’s clear that their boundaries were gradually eroded. By the end of the relationship, they may not recognise themselves, having become a shell of who they once were. This is often accompanied by escalating abuse, whether the victim was discarded or managed to escape.

The Role of the Smear Campaign

A key tactic of narcissists is to set up a narrative where the victim is seen as the problem. This is often done through a smear campaign, portraying the narcissist as the victim of the relationship. The escalation of abuse towards the end serves to justify the narcissist’s swift move into a new relationship, presenting the narcissist as a wronged party who has found new happiness.

The Need for New Supply

Narcissists need constant validation and cannot be alone. They quickly move on to a new partner, using the previous relationship’s chaos to paint themselves as the victim. This new relationship serves to reinforce the idea that the narcissist was not the problem, further isolating the actual victim.

The narcissist’s quick move to a new relationship reflects their inability to face their true, flawed selves. They rely on others to validate the false persona they’ve constructed. This pattern reinforces the false narrative tThe True Nature of the Narcissisthey project to the world, leaving the victim to pick up the pieces and appear as the problematic one.

The Narcissist’s Pattern of Discarding

Quick Discards and Blame Shifting

You may remember how quickly the narcissist would dispose of so-called friends whenever they perceived any criticism. These people were swiftly discarded and blamed for any issues. The narcissist rarely looked back unless it was to smear them to others. This pattern isn’t limited to friends; narcissists will even discard their own children if they feel criticised.

Frequent Job Changes and Perceived Criticism

Narcissists often move from job to job because they cannot handle feedback from bosses, which they perceive as criticism. They always blame others, claiming they were bullied or not respected enough for their skills. This inability to accept criticism or not being treated as special leads them to leave jobs frequently.

The Timing of Discards: Maximum Pain

Narcissists have a knack for discarding their victims at the most painful times, such as when the victim is sick, celebrating a birthday, or facing other challenges. They may encourage the victim to quit their job, promising support, only to discard them afterward. This timing amplifies the victim’s pain, leaving them devastated.

The Trauma of Being Replaced

After being discarded or escaping the narcissist, victims face the additional trauma of seeing their former partner move on to someone new. The narcissist often appears to be in love again, adding to the victim’s pain. This situation can feel more soul-crushing than almost anything else, aside from the death of a loved one.

The Illusion of Change for the New Partner

In this traumatised state, it’s easy for victims to believe that the narcissist will change for the next person. However, it’s crucial to accept that narcissists cannot and will not change. The new partner is just another target, destined to experience the same cycle of abuse.

Avoiding the Cycle: Don’t Look Back

To heal, victims must resist the urge to follow the narcissist’s new life. Seeing the narcissist with a new “soulmate” only prolongs the pain and keeps the victim in a harmful environment. Despite the powerful trauma bond, it’s essential to avoid looking and focus on recovery.

Support and Healing

While it’s natural to pity the new target, there’s no need to feel sorry for them, as they won’t believe any warnings due to the narcissist’s manipulation. The primary focus should be on healing and rebuilding self-worth. The most important task is to repair the damage caused by the abuser and reclaim the life you were meant to have.