Should You Take a Narcissist to Counselling? The Untold Truth

When dealing with a narcissist, it’s natural to seek help. Many victims of narcissistic abuse ask, “Should I take my narcissistic partner or parent to counseling?” It feels like the logical step to take when trying to salvage a relationship, especially when communication breaks down and nothing makes sense. However, as many have learned the hard way, counselling with a narcissist can do more harm than good. Let’s dive into why counseling with a narcissist rarely works and how it can further traumatise the victim.

Why Victims Seek Counselling with Narcissists

Many people initially seek relationship counselling with the hope that an expert can mediate communication issues and solve what they believe to be regular relationship problems. Typically, the victim is confused, hurt, and desperate for answers, and they may blame themselves for the turmoil in the relationship. This is often compounded by the narcissist’s manipulation, where they subtly suggest that the victim is at fault. The victim may be led to believe that the problems in the relationship are mutual and could be fixed with external help.

Unfortunately, the victim often fails to recognise that they are in an abusive relationship, not a difficult one. They seek therapy to find the support they so desperately need, only to be met with disappointment when things go terribly wrong.

The Narcissist’s Agenda in Counselling

A narcissist attending counselling will often pretend to comply, but only to maintain control. They may agree to therapy for two reasons:

They want to appease the victim and keep them from leaving.
They see it as an opportunity to manipulate the therapist, turning the situation to their advantage.

In either case, the narcissist is not genuinely seeking to change. They aim to twist the narrative, portraying themselves as the victim, while painting the real victim as volatile or irrational. This is a classic narcissistic abuse tactic known as DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender), and it often leaves the actual victim feeling gaslit and unheard.

Counselling with a Narcissist is Re-Traumatising

Victims attending counselling with a narcissist often find themselves re-traumatised. The narcissist, having mastered the art of manipulation, will likely charm the therapist and present their lies convincingly. This can result in the therapist, who may not be familiar with the dynamics of narcissistic abuse, siding with the narcissist.

The victim, already emotionally vulnerable, becomes distressed in these sessions. They might react emotionally or appear anxious, further “proving” the narcissist’s false claims that the victim is the one with issues. This can lead the therapist to suggest individual therapy for the victim, as they perceive them to be the troubled one in the relationship. For the victim, this feels like a second betrayal—a professional they’ve paid for doesn’t believe them.

Why Counseling Doesn’t Work with Narcissists

Counseling will never work with a narcissist because the root cause of the issues isn’t poor communication or misunderstanding—it’s abuse. A narcissist’s lack of accountability is the central issue. They aren’t willing to take responsibility for their behaviour, and therapy cannot force someone to change if they aren’t ready to admit they have a problem.

For a narcissist, attending therapy is simply another opportunity to control and manipulate. The narcissist will not self-reflect or make meaningful changes. Instead, they will use the sessions to gather more information about the victim’s vulnerabilities and strengthen their control.

The Damage Done

By the end of the counselling journey, many victims are left feeling more hopeless and confused than ever. The narcissist may declare that counselling was a waste of time and money, further cementing their control over the situation. They might say, “I did what you wanted, and nothing changed,” effectively blaming the victim for the failure of therapy.

This re-traumatisation deepens the emotional scars of the victim, who is left feeling like they’ve failed in yet another attempt to fix the relationship. The narcissist, meanwhile, escapes the process unscathed, maintaining their grandiose image.

What Should Victims Do Instead?

If you’re in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, the best course of action is to seek therapy for yourself—not with your abuser. Individual counselling can help you understand the dynamics of narcissistic abuse, recognise the patterns, and begin to heal from the trauma. Most importantly, it can help you develop a plan to safely exit the relationship.

Counseling for the narcissist themselves may work, but only if they are willing to go alone and genuinely address their abusive behaviours—something that is rare. More often than not, therapy is yet another way for them to extend their control.

Final Thoughts: Why Counselling with a Narcissist is a Trap

In hindsight, many victims say they wish they had never gone to counselling with a narcissist. The entire process only worsened their situation. Now that you know the truth, remember this: Counselling with a narcissist will never work. Instead, it’s crucial to focus on your own healing, your own recovery, and your journey away from abuse.

If you or someone you know is dealing with narcissistic abuse, there is hope. Seek out a therapist who specialises in narcissistic abuse recovery. Your focus should be on escaping the abuse and finding the support you need to heal.