4 Ways Covert Narcissists steal your happiness

When you think of a narcissist, the image that comes to mind might be someone loud, arrogant, and self-obsessed. However, covert narcissists are the opposite—they are subtle, sneaky, and often harder to identify. These individuals can infiltrate your life effortlessly, disguised as shy, introverted, and even victimized people.

But don’t let the facade fool you. Covert narcissists are just as dangerous, if not more so, than their overt counterparts. Their tactics often involve stripping you of your happiness and identity without you even realising it. Let’s dive into the four specific ways covert narcissists destroy your happiness and how you can recognise and resist their tactics.

1. Sabotaging Your Joy

Covert narcissists have a knack for undermining anything that brings you happiness—especially when it’s unrelated to them. They might not do it overtly; instead, they employ passive-aggressive tactics to make it seem like you’re responsible for your own disappointments.

For example, let’s say you have a job interview that excites you. The night before, your covert narcissist partner starts a random argument, keeps you awake, or finds other ways to exhaust you. By morning, you’re too drained to perform at your best or even attend the interview. When you cancel, they’ll make you feel like it was all your fault.

This is sabotage at its finest. Their goal? To strip you of independence and success so you remain dependent on them. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. These tactics are designed to make you doubt yourself while giving the narcissist complete control over your happiness.

2. Ruining Your Efforts to Make Them Happy

Ironically, even your attempts to make a narcissist happy can end up draining your joy. Imagine going all out to plan a surprise birthday party for your partner. You organise their favourite food, invite their friends and family, and create what you think is the perfect celebration.

How do they respond? Maybe they act indifferent, annoyed, or critical. If they seem to enjoy it, don’t be fooled—because the next day, they’ll likely find ways to punish you. They might accuse you of spending too much money or deliberately excluding someone important to them. No matter how much effort you put in, they’ll twist the situation to make you feel inadequate.

Why do they do this? Narcissists despise seeing you find joy in making others happy. They can’t handle the idea that you might be emotionally fulfilled by something outside of their control.

3. Minimising Your Successes and Achievements

Another key tactic covert narcissists use is downplaying your accomplishments. Have you ever shared exciting news, like a promotion at work or praise for a project, only to be met with indifference or criticism?

Instead of celebrating with you, a covert narcissist might brush off your achievements with comments like:

• “That’s nothing special.”
• “Why are you bragging?”
• “Do you think you’re better than everyone else now?”

Over time, this behaviour conditions you to stop sharing your successes. You might even begin to feel ashamed of your own achievements. Their goal is to keep you from feeling proud of yourself, ensuring that any source of happiness remains firmly out of your reach.

4. Isolating You from Loved Ones

Perhaps the most devastating way a covert narcissist destroys your happiness is by isolating you from the people who bring you joy. Friends and family who genuinely care about you become targets for the narcissist’s manipulation.

They might:

• Create drama between you and your loved ones.
• Spread lies or rumours about your friends and family through a smear campaign.
• Convince you that these people don’t have your best interests at heart.

The goal is to make you feel entirely dependent on them for emotional support. They’ll ensure you’re cut off from anyone who could offer you a different perspective or help you escape the toxic relationship.

For example, they might guilt-trip you for spending time with your family, accusing you of neglecting them. Or they’ll create wedges by spreading false narratives, leaving you isolated and emotionally vulnerable.

Why Do Narcissists Target Your Happiness?

At the root of these behaviours is the narcissist’s pathological envy. They cannot experience genuine happiness or peace themselves, so they resent anyone who can. Your joy highlights their emptiness, making them feel worse about themselves.

By destroying your happiness, they regain a sense of control and superiority. It’s a cruel cycle, but understanding their motives can help you reclaim your power.